I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
