So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The police scanner is talking about you again....
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
