The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
