im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
