As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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