we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
two words...techno handjob
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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