I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize