I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
