and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
