I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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