Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
