you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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