her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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