I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
