you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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