Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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