well I can't set my house on fire every night
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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