I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize