Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
