1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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