so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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