i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize