Will you blow on my dice?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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