i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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