Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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