I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
