saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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