its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
