Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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