I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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