I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
