and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
