she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
