this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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