DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
