Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
