I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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