even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
