Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
