did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
