Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
