You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
