I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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