If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
