i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
