everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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