This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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