even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
