I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize