my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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