If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
