plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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