I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
