finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
