It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
