new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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