this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
