well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
