just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
