i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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