The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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