I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
