If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize