he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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