Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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